“Lose your shit, lose your leadership.”

Taylor Swift, New Heights Podcast

Reflections

As a mom to a three-year-old, this quote hit hard. Lately, it seems there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t lose my shit. Unfortunately, more often than I’d like to admit, my patience runs thin and my emotions get the better of me. In my weakest moments, I snap. I raise my voice. I resort to threats and bribes, desperate to get my little one to comply.

“I will not negotiate by withholding.”

This quote, from Elizabeth Gilbert, runs through the back of my mind when I begin to lose my composure. I share this sentiment, yet I struggle to translate it into practice.

I’ve read several parenting books to know that threats and bribes are not the most effective parenting strategies, and can even be damaging. I understand that what I’m doing is trying to control and manipulate my toddler when, instead, I should be setting clear boundaries, holding limits, acknowledging and validating her feelings, all while maintaining some sense of emotional composure. 

I should not expect my three-year-old to agree and comply with every request. She has every right to her own opinion and to get upset when things don’t go her way. My job as a parent isn’t to tell my child how to feel. My job is to acknowledge her experience in the moment — even if I don’t agree with it — and help her work through the rollercoaster of emotions she’s feeling inside. 

In my child’s toughest moments, when her emotions are spiraling out of control, she needs a leader; someone to set an example of emotional regulation. How can I expect my child to control her emotions if I can’t control my own? Monkey see, monkey do.

It’s not what I say in these moments, it’s how I respond. Children learn through observation. My job is to provide the sense of stability she’s lacking by showing her it’s possible to maintain composure, or regain composure quickly, even when emotions are riding high. Turns out, this is much easier said than done.

Becoming a parent has brought me face-to-face with many of my weaknesses; emotional regulation is one of them. While it’s easy to get down on myself for not being the “perfect” parent, I realize the best thing I can do is put in the work to overcome my weaknesses so I can be the strong leader my child deserves. 

Though I may not be a shining example of emotional stability (yet), I’m striving to be an example of a hard-working, compassionate human. Hopefully, what my child will learn as she grows older is that to be human is to be flawed, and that’s ok. We’re all in this together, learning and growing as we go.